nihil
Mom,
I woke up from another nightmare. I dreamt that I was with those people, at that place, powerless to escape again. Waking up didn't feel relieving this time though, I just woke up into a different nightmare.
This time, I decided to sit with my thoughts and process why I felt this way exactly.
I guess what it really comes down to is grief. I'm grieving that I didn't have enough time with you and dad, time to live in the world I only saw through glass, time to celebrate my victory after escaping the cult. I wanted a chance to live in that era longer, but the world moved on without me.
I also realized I didn't have concrete reasons for anything I've been working on. Profit was never the goal to begin with, but neither was fame, not even to send a message. Am I doing all of this work for fun then? Or to prove that I didn't waste all of my time for an invisible project?
I was thinking about digital media, and how it compares to traditional and analog mediums. I have experience with both but significantly better with one versus the other due to how I studied. I was thinking of creating the project entirely in that medium, but as time goes on I don't know how viable it will be. Even the story itself.. isn't that interesting in my eyes anymore. I don't know if I should bother figuring it out.
I extended this question to my other smaller projects too, such as setting up a home site on indie web. While it comforts me to write you both here, it doesn't feel like home exactly. It feels too quiet.
All of this is about what I'd like to do with the next 3 years until 2030. Stressing over this project, or working on myself.
If I had to summarize what I need to figure out..
- Root purpose before sinking time in.
- Intent – if it matters years later.
- Does it truly make me happy?
I miss being able to talk about it on an evening stroll with you. I think those walks were when I felt the most alright.
Your son