poison
To dad,
Do you recall that one Vietnamese girl you used to be friends with? What she said years ago?
Anti-social. Nihilist. Absurdism.
I feel I've crossed a point of no return. It's everyone. Каждый. I hate myself for ever attempting to feel love. It's poisonous. Яд.
The only people I feel safe emotionally investing into anymore are you and mom.
Everyone else is a liability and a threat. I should've stayed a hermit.
Truthfully, even though you're my dad, and you've carried the world on your shoulders for me to get here..
I hate you.
You sabotaged me with your foolishness. Why weren't you satisfied with how things were before? You could've lived longer, maybe mom would have also.
I think about this nearly everyday. I think about how much I miss the both of you. I think about how badly I wish it could've been me instead. I wish I could trade my life for both of yours. I don't deserve to live — you both did. Life is so unfair it makes me want to go insane. I'll never get over this.
But I must continue to exist. Существовать, выживать, жить.
For what I owe to both of you, it's the least I can do.. so tell me how. What do I do to make it less painful?
When everything feels like poison, how do I find antidote?
Maybe it's selfish to ask, but could I visit you both in my dreams sometimes?
It gets awfully lonely.
Your son